Utena Madness
by MinnieMay14
Summary: Just some random craziness on the dueling arena. I suck at summeries...


Some random self-insertion fic I wrote a long time ago after going into a garden store. The only character I own is May. The rest belong to someone a lot richer than me. Oh, and there's no shounen-ai in here, which is a first for me. Of course, there is a bit of UtenaxAnthy. I admit I actually kind of like them together. Anyway, enough of me. 

UTENA MADNESS- A.K.A. WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED AND INSANE

May: Tenjou Utena, I challenge you to a duel after school!

Utena: But why? We're friends. You have nothing against me.

May: (Facefaulters) Uh...I know but...I've always wanted to...and...I'm hoping if I win I can cement big blocks to the Rose Bride's feet and push her off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Utena: Oh...well I guess if you feel that way about it...

(After school on the dueling arena.)

Utena: Are you sure you want to do this May-chan?

May: (Swinging a long, dangerously sharp sword carelessly in front of her.) Hey, how hard could it be to stab you, tie you up, and lock you in a cage in the Chairman's wing?

Utena: What?! But the rules are to cut off your opponent's rose.

May: Oh...but Akio said-

Utena: JUST CUT OFF THE ROSE!

May: Oki-doki!

(Utena summons Anthy, who timidly walks over.)

Anthy: Y-yes Utena-sama?

Utena: (Expectantly) The sword, Anthy?

Anthy: Yeah, um, the sword. (Utena stares at her impatiently as Anthy awkwardly fumbles with her breasts. Finally, she takes a deep breath and begins) O roses of the noble castle...O Power of Dios that sleeps within me...Please o please take pity on me and reveal to us...

Utena: ...the power revolutioni-i-i.... Anthy, what in DIOS' name IS this?!

(Instead of the Sword of Dios, Utena holds the (carnival souvenir) inflatable sword that has come out of Anthy's chest.)

Anthy: Um...(enthusiastically) Congratulations Utena-sama! I won you a prize at the fair!

Utena: (Unbelieving)...

Anthy: OKAY! OKAY! I lost the Sword of Dios! I'm sorry! (Anthy bursts into dramatic tears.)

Utena: (Pats Anthy's back) It's okay, but how did you lose it?

Anthy: Well, *sniff* my brother and I were playing around, and he pulled it out so he could- 

(Utena smacks Anthy's back hard enough to send her flying forward.)

Utena: O-Kay! 'Nuff said there! Why don't you go see if anyone in the student council will lend you his or her sword?

(Anthy nods and leaves. She returns a few minutes later waving a sword triumphantly over her head.)

Anthy: Utena-sama! Utena-sama! I got one! (She hands it to Utena, beaming.)

Utena: Wow Anthy, who gave this to you?

Anthy: It's Miki's spirit sword. I just used my womanly charms to render him unconscious and I was able to pull it out of him easily.

Utena: Oh...my...God...*=*

May: Um, excuse me...I'm still here.

Utena: Right, sorry.

(May and Utena are about to begin their duel, when a delighted Nanami bounds onto the dueling arena from out of nowhere.)

Nanami: I've got it! I've finally got it!

Utena: (Sweatdrops) What do you want now, Nanami?

Nanami: I've finally found the perfect thing to reveal that Himemiya Anthy is a dirty, cheating, lying- (Utena smacks her with her sword hilt.)

Utena: Oh, just get on with it!

(Nanami proudly pulls something out from behind her back.) 

Nanami: This! 

(Everyone shrinks away from the very...curios item she was holding. Nanami realizes she's pulled out the wrong random object. She tries again, and this time succeeds, holding up a bottle.)

Nanami: This! (Everyone gasps. Anthy most of all.)

Anthy: (Horrorstruck) NO!!!!!

Nanami: OH-HOHOHOHOHO!!! That's right! Himemiya Anthy uses...

(A giant picture of the bottle's label comes down into the background. The label reads, clear as day-)

Nanami: Miracle Grow!

(All present gasp again, [including Miki, who just showed up out of nowhere.]. Anthy shrieks horrifically.)

Miki: You mean... Ms. Himemiya doesn't grow those beautiful roses using only her charm and patient care?

Anthy: (Sobbing) It's true! I have to use chemically enhanced byproducts to keep my rose bushes looking fresh and full bloomed!

Utena: (Turns toward camera with fake pasted smile) Because Miracle Grow is the number one ingredient in growing your very own healthy, radiant garden.

May: Available in Wal-Mart and other fine stores!

Nanami: (Infuriated) Would you people stop!? Don't you see that Himemiya Anthy is a lying, cheating, dirty little Martha Stewart wannabe not worthy of your love and attention?!

(All turn toward Nanami with "The Look")

Nanami: What!?

Miki: Nanami-san, I hate to say it, but unlike you, we can forgive Anthy because she is our friend as well as-

Utena: (Bluntly) Basically we like her better than you.

Nanami: You fools! (To Anthy) I'll get you yet, Himemiya!

(Nanami starts laughing hysterically and skips away in prideful defeat-

Only to fall right over the edge of the dueling platform for lack of attention.)

(Needless to say, everyone cheered.)

Utena: (Sighing heavily) Well, I think that's enough excitement for one day. Come on, Anthy. We're going home. 

Anthy: (Still sniffling) Utena-sama... *sniff* Can you ever forgive me?

Utena: (Putting her hand strategically on Anthy's lower back) You can make it up to me later, I'm sure.

(The two exit the platform leaving Miki and May alone)

Miki: (Wiping his eyes) Wasn't that touching?

May: (Blinks. Several times) I fail to see the touching part. (Raises an eyebrow at teary puppy eyed Miki) Um, what are you doing here, anyway?

Miki: (Suddenly recovered) Oh. I just came to get my sword back. Plus I wanted to get Anthy to do that thing with her lap again.

May: (Blushing and sputtering) _TOO MUCH INFORMATION! _(Then serious) Wait a second! (Waves her sword above her head and chases after where Utena and Anthy had disappeared a few lines of cheesy dialogue before) Wait! Utena! I never got my duel!

Miki: (Now all by himself on the platform. Turns to face the camera, using maternal voice) If you or anyone you know is trapped in a disturbing school where students battle with swords and gods daily and can't seem to find help from the Outside World, please call 1-800-WE-HAVE-NOTHING-BETTER-TO-DO-WITH-OUR-TIME. It's our lifetime commitment to you.

(Fade out)

Oh, Dios, make it stop!

Owari! Owari!

Please don't let Lifetime television sue me. I'm just a crazy, hopeless fangirl with no money, no life, and no sense of humor. Review if you feel sorry for me. ; _ ;


End file.
